I've been crazy this past month, and I haven't always handled it well. If you had an interaction with me that made you think WTFC (what the fried chicken?!), I ask for your grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
July was a roller coaster of emotions, ending on the note that my dad is filing for divorce after 27 years of marriage. I'm not going to go into that, my thoughts on it, or what I think about divorce (beyond saying that I think divorce is wrong in almost all cases).
All I'm going to talk about is my emotional side. July took its toll, and as a result, I reacted poorly in several situations that didn't require Crazy Annie to join the game.
Little things pushed buttons that are normally well out of reach. Conversations that meant nothing sent me into a fit of rage. I felt both 12 and 16 again.
Tell me I'm pretty.
Leave me alone.
I don't want to talk to you.
Why are you ignoring me?
My life is the worst.
I have the best life.
My friends don't care about me.
My friends love me too much.
I've been through all these roiling feelings about friends, life, family, and love. None of them have been all too healthy. I want to be wanted, but don't you dare touch me. Make me feel pretty. Tell me how great of a friend I am, even though I've been wretched.
The more I felt this way, the further I tried to push the feelings down. Everyone knows how that ends. I would blow up, get weird, demand things, fall into depression...you name it.
This apology is for everyone who was on the receiving end.
On July 31st, instead of celebrating Harry Potter's birthday, I had a conversation with someone in my head. This person probably got the biggest brunt of my crazy, and I was trying to walk through an apology I might give them in person.
Instead I had a revelation. This often is how it is. I imagine talking to someone else and through my internal monologue, I figure it out.
I wanted all of these things from people are are human. People who are just as flawed as I am. I wanted to be wanted, loved, cherished, understood, forgiven, and protected in ways that no man or woman can possibly accomplish.
In my monologue I realized something.
If I can love myself. If I don't want to be me. If I can't forgive myself and those who have hurt me...
How can anyone else possibly succeed?
Furthermore, why am I turning outward for love and attention when I have the Greatest Heavenly Father waiting with open arms? He made me beautiful, no matter what men or women around me think. He made me special, no matter what I tell myself. He made me. He chose me. At the beginning, I ran to Him. I found my safety and identity in Him. Somewhere on July 2nd or 3rd I switched gears. I ran away and tried to have people fill my needs.
I'm so sorry I asked you all to do that. I'm so sorry I put my burdens on you. To all my friends and loved ones, I'm sorry for July. I intend to never go back there.
As Walt Disney said, I plan to Keep Moving Forward.
Only this time, I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus.